Star Wars Theory – Sarlacc and the Backwards Krang

forcerageI recently became enraged by an article cribbed from The Guardian; an article speculating about future Star Wars movies that are outside the standard “trilogy”.

My rage begins when it says:


And then goes on to add

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The article is talking about your favourite bounty hunter and mine, rocket-loving Mandalorian clone, Boba Fett.

bobafettThe article angered me in the first because Boba Fett has been seen without his helmet… he’s a clone for Cliff’s sake!

As part payment for using his genetic make-up to create clone-troopers in the prequel movies, Jango Fett is gifted a clone of his own to raise as his own son.

Boba Fett is Jango Fett, genetically at least.

He may not get the benefit of being raised in Mandalorian society like his Father but genetically he is all but identical!

As for the comments of Boba Fett’s personality… upon what basis are they founded?

We’ve seen Boba as both a traumatised child, holding his father’s decapitated helmet, and ruthlessly effective bounty hunter of very few words… to liken him to the likes of Nute Gunray is insulting.

I doubt the author of that article has actually paid any attention to Star Wars outside of its existence as a franchise.

The article did act as food for thought however, with office discussions quickly moving to the subject of whether Boba Fett was alive or dead at the end of Return of the Jedi.

As any fool knows, our intrepid rocketeer was cruelly cast into the belly of the Sarlacc, where – so we are told – he will find a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly digested over a 1000 year period.

There has been much speculation as to what this actually means.

When Jabba tells us, via C3PO, that the Sarlacc digests its prey, causing them a 1000 years of torment we could easily surmise that Boba Fett – or any victim in fact – would be kept alive for that period of time.

Granted, internet sources accept that the Sarlacc’s prey would be immobilised through that period of time but Boba Fett is, pardon my French, fucking awesome and is highly likely to evade the Sarlaac’s juices and rocket his way out.

But why stop there?

The fate of our darling Fettling to one side for a moment, if the Sarlacc can keep people alive for such a long period of time, why are people not making use (or abuse) of that biological quirk?

Emperor Palpatine is a prime candidate for Sarlacc abuse.

He wants to gain power and to cheat death, well why not make use of the Sarlacc?

krangpatineAll he needs to do is force lightning his way in there, use the dark side to shield himself from the more debilitating elements of the Sarlacc’s juices and force control the Sarlacc into leaving its pit…

Palpers could then dominate the universe from within a massive, tentacular shell – safe from harm and rocking a bad-ass biological power armour like a cross between a cthonian Guyver unit and Shai-Hulud… like some kind of backwards Krang.