I too love top lists, it seems to be human nature that we instantly lock onto the “Top X Somethings” and click the link.

A blog I follow has just posted up The Top 5 Characters I’d Like to Punch in The Face; listing a good selection of aggravating characters that the author would happily deck if she were to meet them on the street.

This is no mean feat, I have struggled to come up with even one literary character that I would honest-to-goodness lay out cold given half the chance.

(Actually, that one is simple, no struggle at all – Micah Samon from Harry Harrison’s Deathworld 2 – but that’s a another story).

What I found most enjoyable about the post was a footnote to entry #2, Claudius from Hamlet.

But not if he’s being played by Patrick Stewart.

(Actually, I found the caption to the associated picture more enjoyable BUT that’s not the point. )

Sir Patrick usually plays good guys, heroes and the like – Claudius is a rare example of Stewart playing an absolute bastard. He must be good at it though, he has played the role twice on screen: once in 1980 and again, alongside David Tenant in 2009 – 29 years later!

It got me to thinking that Sir Patrick Stewart really is a genuinely likeable actor but how many of his film roles are based on literary characters?

Sir Patrick Stewart grew up in Mirfield, which is very close to (considered by many to actually be a part of) my home town of Huddersfield.  A well known thespian, Sir Patrick is currently Chancellor of Huddersfield University (the University I went to – I’m so proud) and is also some kind of science fiction God!

So here I offer, as some kind of cheap compensation for being too nice to easily list characters I’d like to punch, the top 5 literary roles played by Patrick Stewart.

5. Captain Ahab in Moby Dick

Moby Dick is one of my all time least favourite novels.  If I had the chance I’d be more likely to lay out Herman Melville than any fictional character.

That being said, Patrick Stewart plays an exceptional Ahab in the 1998 TV Mini-Series based upon Melville’s classic.

Although his more well known character, Jean-Luc Picard, in the Star Trek movie, First Contact, is accused of showing Ahab-esque characteristics; I like to think that  this is just because Sir Patrick is such an good actor – he brought the same strength of presence to both roles.

Sir Patrick is a natural born leader, or at least he plays leadership roles well.

He gives a sound demonstration of Captain Ahab’s obsession but then I guess that’s the whole point when it comes to Ahab.

4. Professor Charles Xavier in X-Men

Alright, alright! Some would say comic books aren’t exactly literary works but I disagree, I believe they have literary merits but I’m not about to argue the point here.

As a Marvel fan, I think I would have enjoyed the X-Men movies regardless of Sir Patrick’s involvement – however, throwing in one of my best loved actors ensured that I could happily overlook any other marvel-fanboy criticism of the movies.

From his teens, Sir Patrick was built to play Professor X; in fact it is almost as if Stan Lee had seen one of Sir Patrick’s early local performances and decided to base the comic book character upon Sir Patrick (albeit a crippled Sir Patrick).

3. Sir Simon de Canterville in The Canterville Ghost

It has been a long time since I last saw this beauty; a surprise treat one Christmas whilst flicking through the channels in the late nineties.

Sir Patrick shows an incredible capacity for humour in this loose 1996 TV adaptation of Oscar Wilde’s Canterville Ghost.

I think I was initially hooked by the rare appearance of Neve Campbell (playing a teenage girl at the age of 23) but Sir Patrick’s surprise appearance had me locked in to the end.

2. Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol

If ever I have lived through an honest to goodness, jaw dropping, “Oh Emm Gee” moment it was when I first saw Patrick Stewart’s Christmas Carol.

This remains by far my favourite adaptation of Dickens’ seasonal fable.

The scene towards the end where Scrooge genuinely chokes out laughter, cough by cough, moves me every time I see it.

My Mother once mentioned that Sir Patrick had performed a one-man-show version of A Christmas Carol on stage – I wish I had been bale to see that.

The closest I have been to seeing Sir Patrick on stage was the pre-recorded congratulation message played at my partner’s recent graduation ceremony.

1. Gurney Halleck in Dune

Dune is one of my all time favourite films and also one of the most difficult novels I have ever had the pleasure of reading.

In my early teens, I watched Dune almost religiously; even now I can watch Dune and take something new away from the viewing.

Many of the star-studded cast in this classic adaptation of Frank Herbert’s epic science fiction masterpiece are well chosen, Sir Patrick Stewart amongst them.

Sure there are flaws in David Lynch’s adaption; liberties were taken and I can see why some would say that the later TV mini-series were better but I believe they lacked one thing – Patrick Stewart as Gurney Halleck.

So there you have it – the top 5 literary roles played by Sir Patrick Stewart – and with only one concession to the world of comic books, so no need to reference the voice acting in the 2007 TMNT movie.

It looks like Sir Patrick is listed to narrate a Sinbad movie this year, so there could be another childhood favourite being added to the list – although “The Narrator” isn’t really a character in the Sinbad tales…

I suppose I could see it has Sir Patrick Stewart playing my inner-voice, voicing the words inside me as I read them.

A short while ago, I decided to take part in at least one reading challenge set by a couple of book reviewers that I follow, The Insatiable Booksluts.

To get started in their Toe-Dippin category, I have been looking to read a handful of Pulitzer Prize winning novels or works by Nobel prize winners.

Having cheated somewhat with the comfortable post-apocalyptic feel of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road, I decided that  my next read should be Ernest Hemingway‘s The Old Man and the Sea.

Again I feel as if I am cheating somewhat, of all the available works that have won the Pulitzer or Noble prizes, this short novel from Hemingway has won both.

Still, a work good enough to win both prizes must be worth reading; and the story’s length meant that I could start and finish in the bath – a fitting venue for such a nautical read.

I’ve never read Hemingway before and only recently have I had him recommended to me.

I found the narrative style of The Old Man and The Sea to flow comfortably, easing me gently into the environs of mid-20th century Cuba.

Well paced, the story moves quickly from the poverty and superstition surrounding the luckless Santiago (our titular Old Man) and onto a tale of perseverance and philosophy.

Hemingway shows me a world completely alien to my late 20th century upbringing.

The young “boy” Manolin dotes upon his former mentor with a sense of filial responsibility to put my generation to shame; likewise Santiago, reciprocating with a decorum befitting a man of his age and station without shaming himself with overt acceptance of aid.

After 84 days of unsuccessful fishing, the Old Man ventures out an 85th time, alone; he rows farther out than is usual in hope of landing a “big fish”.

Hemingway opens up Santiago’s inner thoughts to us, as he searches the sea for the right signs; as Santiago’s lines are pulled by potential catches so was my interest in the tale.

Hemingway builds a tangible tension in the reader, plucking at it and thrumming in the same way as the taut line affixed to Santiago’s Marlin.

For a long night and day, Santiago does calm and careful battle with the big fish before finally defeating it and attempting to bring it home.

During the battle, Santiago’s thoughts are of the nobilty of the battle itself; he bestows a level of kinship and honour upon the fish.

Santiago seems to cope well with the ordeals he faces, seeming to anthropomorphise his adversaries; lending them human characteristics.

His left hand betrays him, the big fish is a brother and the sharks filthy thieves stalking Santiago as they would an elderly victim.

He even puts some thought to the feminine and masculine qualities of the sea, which has played such an important role in his life.

Hemingway shows us extremes of both strength and humility in Santiago; giving a clear message of what one can be capable of when one puts one’s mind to it.

Santiago is a definite hero, through his outlook and determination if not in light of any success.

Throughout the narration of Santiago’s ordeals and his eventual return home, I got a real sense of isolation, peace, determination, sorrow and resignation.

Santiago doesn’t really put his circumstances down to bad luck, in the way his fellow sailors semm to; he accepts the simple mistake made in sailing too far from shore without another to help him.

In doing so, it seems that his peers accept his efforts as a sign that his run of bad luck has come to an end.

Coming home empty handed is unlucky; returning home safely, with an almost entirely devoured Marlin dwarfing one’s boat is anything but.

There is far more in this short work.

I’ve only touched on the philosophical ramifications and will absolutely have to read through again and again before I process them properly.

All in all, I’m glad I picked this up.

Maybe I’ll try more Hemingway in future.

At the time I had hoped to find time over the following months to film my own answer to the video; sadly, time was taken up elsewhere.

I have, however, just come across the following take on the advert on Vimeo:

Mashdonalds from Nathan Page on Vimeo.

Excellent stuff!

Well done to the creators.

This weekend, with nothing but adverts and dross on the TV (and having finished Skyrim as best I can with its inherent plot glitches) I set time aside to dive into what I hoped would be a gripping ripping yarn from someone who is acclaimed as a master of the New Weird.

I was not disappointed.

Miéville crafts a well convoluted tale and clearly understands the various aspects of the world he writes about.

Kraken starts with a simple enough mystery but quickly descends into a dark and twisted hidden world that would make Moorcock proud.

I quickly drew parallels with Neil Gaiman’s Neverwhere but Miéville’s hidden London, his Heresiopolis, is far more mature and less fantastical – and with a far more brutal bogeyman pair than Neverwhere’s Croup and Vandemar in the universally feared Goss and Subby.

Kraken also shares kinship with Charles Stross‘s Laundry Archives; with a similar intermingling of today’s gadgets with arcane wards and hexes.  It isn’t too far a stretch of the imagination to see Miéville’s F.R.S.C. working hand in hand with Stross’s Laundry.

Kraken is less overtly Lovecraftian than the Laundry Archives though, Cthulhu and his ilk being just another set of beliefs – a drop in the ocean that Miéville’s London arises from.

I found it hard to put the book down, especially towards the spiralling end where Miéville pulls the strands of his tale back and weaves them into an incredibly gratifying ending.

One thing I particularly enjoyed was the occultural references that he placed within the novel.

BOOK OF THOTH = BOOK OF BOLLOCKS MORE LIKE, she wrote. LIBER NULL = NULLPOINTS

China Miéville’s explanation of the “knacks” and magical techniques used by some of the characters – as well as his portrayal of online occult subculture – is superb.

The story also ties this fantastic alternate London into the politics and zeitgeist of today’s society – it will be interesting to see how well the story ages.

Image via Wikipedia

So impressed am I with Kraken that I am sure I will enjoy the rest of Miéville’s work, although I don’t agree with his politics or his views on Tolkien.

That being said, I’ve never let an author’s political viewpoint stop me enjoying their work; Miéville’s dedication to his political belief’s is admirable and adds a good flavour to Kraken – even if he does tie chaos magicians and Nazis together.  Chaos magicians could be said to be more closely associated to the Cult Collectors in Kraken than anti-semitic hatemongers.

I’m quite a fan of Alan Moore’s work, being more literary in my upbringing I’ve taken more to his stories and characters than their artistic representation, whether in comic and graphic novel or in their film translations.

From The Ballad of Halo Jones to From Hell and Watchmen, I always find Alan Moore’s work thought provoking and inspirational.

Neonomicon is one of Moore’s most recent works, going hand in hand with it’s prequel, The Courtyard.

Both stories are included in the Avatar Press publication that my Father gave me.

It seems not only an understatement to say that Neonomicon is heavily influenced by the mythos and works of H. P. Lovecraft but more of a case of seeming to have missed the point of the work all together.

For one, the title itself (Neonomicon, the Book of New Names) is a reversal in concept of the Necronomicon (The Book of Dead Names) that is so frequently referenced in Mythos works.

As Neonomicon self-references:

…it’s almost like some big literary in-joke…

The work is so full of Lovecraftian references, both overt and covert, that a Courtyard Companion has been written to collate and discuss those found in the prequel work.

Pushing Lovecraft to one side for a moment, the base story is sound enough.

The F.B.I. are investigating serial homicides that share identical methods but unrelated perpetrators.  The initial investigation of the prequel is picked up later by younger, fresher investigators (always a vulnerable breed in classic Mythos tales) who carry the story from investigation to investigation, right through to the story’s conclusion – and the reason for the graphic novel’s titular pun on the fictional Necronomicon of Lovecraft’s work.

There are equally good references to the contemporary occult scene, with mention of the works of Kenneth Grant.

Without becoming too wrapped up in over-analysing Neonomicon, the use of real world occult references is particularly gratifying for me.

Lovecraft himself fabricated many occult references within his work, as do many who work with Lovecraftian themes: Di Vermiss Mysteris, Unaussprechlichen Kulten, Cthaat Aquadingen, the Necronomicon are just some that have been used by Mythos authors over the years.

Even films like Ghostbusters had their “Tobin’s Spirit Guide” to add a sense of academic relevance within the story.

Moore has turned this round by citing an actual British magician with methods and beliefs close to those of the Cthulhu Mythos.

He could just as easily have referenced Phil Hine‘s Pseudonomicon, Dave Evans’ work on magic throughout the 20th century (The History of British Magic After Crowley) or any number of other modern occult texts.

Alan Moore is considered something of a star of the contemporary occult scene himself.

This integration between the fictional medium of the graphic novel and the real world existence of actual magical practice just adds to the atmosphere arising from the overall theme of awakening and enlightenment evoked by the early sections of the work.

This ability to reach out and grab the reader has been well commented on in an analysis I discovered in YouTube:

And;

The book might not be for everybody though; in the latter third of the story, things become a little more shocking.

Lovecraft taught that horror is in the mind of the reader or viewer; Jacen Burrows artwork depicts what lies in the mind of the protagonist early on but later allows us to share the more mundane horror of murder and rape before the story transcends both to achieve an almost numbing sense of indifference to humanity.

All that being said, I really enjoyed Neonomicon and look forward to reading it again and again, finding something new with each re-visit.

I also have high hopes for its future, most of the works I could cite for Moore have been translated to the big screen; he is responsible for the creation of the John Constantine of Constantine, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, V for Vendetta as well as Watchmen and From Hell that I mentioned earlier.

I think I would like to see a transition of Neonomicon to film but I think it would probably be too short.

My first reading of Neonomicon must have taken around 90 minutes at best.

All in all I wouldn’t recommend Neonomicon to everybody; if you’re not a fan of the comic book style or you’re easily offended by sex and nudity then you may find it a little much.

However, if you’re already a fan of comics, Alan Moore or Lovecraft then I think you’ll enjoy it as much as I have.

Rather than wait for them to release more characters from the TV series, League of Gentlemen, I decided to make one of my own.

Using tippex, black marker and a stormtrooper’s head, I give you Papa Lazarou…

A more sinister darker shot…

Granted, my tippex-crafting skills are poor but it is the thought that counts.

For the past year or so, Lego have released individual minifig packs for around £2; imagine my surprise when I picked the following up at random from series 6 of their collectable range.

My very own Lego Hilary Briss, as made popular by Mark Gatiss in The League of Gentlemen.

Granted, Hilary wore a red and white butcher’s smock and didn’t wear a bow tie but I don’t care…

Leave me to my dreams, damn you!

Lets hope that Lego include other favourites, like Papa Lazarou or Herr Lipp, in future collections.

Image via Wikipedia

I’ve been wary about voicing my opinions on the usurious Spanish financial institution, Santander.

Finances are a very personal and private matter and there can be quite a stigma attached to debt.

But I feel that I have to share our story.

The ombudsman won’t do anything and so only word of mouth will warn people of the inherent dangers in working with Santander.

A few years ago, Santander took over the Alliance & Leicester building society, with whom my partner has banked for years.  In fact we also re-mortgaged with Alliance & Leicester, opening a joint account through which to manage the bills.

Santander also took over my building society of choice, Abbey (formerly the Abbey National), as well as other UK financial institutions.

Now I have no real issue with this kind of take-over. My own “regionally titled” bank is in fact Australian.

When my partner opened her Alliance & Leicester account, she had no mandatory monthly payments to make into it but when Santander took it over they upgraded it to their premium account; an account that demands £500 be paid into it every month.

The first we learned of this upgrade came when my partner was made redundant a few years ago and the fines started racking up. The account was empty but grew a negative value as the monthly fines were taken out; fines for not paying money in and then fines for going overdrawn.

We argued with Santander but were treated like scum.

We were told to go into the branch when talking over the phone and then told to phone when in the branch.

All this could have been avoided if we had been told the account had upgraded. We could have simply closed the account whilst it had money in it.

We complained through correct channels; writing to Santander and then the financial ombudsman. We explained that we felt we had been unfairly treated by being upgraded without notice.

Around the same time we also found that our Payment Protection didn’t cover her redundancy. We managed to get some of what we had paid on that returned to us.

As I mentioned before, the first issue was raised with the financial ombudsman; our claim was investigated and resulted in our being told:

You have no evidence that you were given no notice of the upgrade and Santander don’t have to offer you the old account

Here’s ,my extension number.  If you get any letters demanding more money, call me and I will sort them out.

Last year was a struggle at times, with minor upheavals in both work and health but also interesting forays into the world of pseudo-science.

2011 was very much the year of pseudo-science for me; taking the opportunity to combine scientific process with magical thinking.

I tried hypnotherapy for weightloss and experimented with a number of divination techniques, primarily based upon the I-Ching.  I hope to document some of my findings here over the coming months – I already have several draft posts that require attention before submission.

I learnt a lot about how my mental make-up helps me handle high pressure situations and how devastating it can be to remove that make-up.

I discovered the true face of democracy when my local council will happily scour green belt land away to make room for housing and a data centre, despite the powers that be voting against the developments.

Finally I realised just how good I am at what I do and the true value behind that.

Eschatologists are likely aware that 2012 is a doomed year; the Mayan calendar ends around Yule this year.  As the Mayans were believed to be skilled astronomers and mathematicians, some take this to mean that the world will face some catastrophe in 2012.

People following the news for the last few years may argue it already faces a multitude of catastrophes.

An eschatological event doesn’t necessarily mean death and destruction, however.  It could mean a dramatic change to the way the world works.  Radical societal or industrial changes could equally be classed as the end of one world and the birth of another.

Of course, some will find enjoyment in imagining far more biblical ends to come this December.

For myself, I choose to see 2012 as a year of change.

I am looking to change many aspects of my life and lifestyle throughout the year; many of these changes will be documented or commented upon here.

Primarily, I hope to be more creative this year.

I have a number of writing projects planned, including a collaboration with a friend and colleague.

I am also hoping to improve my artistic skills, mainly drawing but that could grow into painting maybe… we will see.

Anyway, that’s it for me on this grey January morning, please continue reading for the WordPress provided facts and figures regarding this blog throughout 2011…

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 7,300 times in 2011. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 6 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

This came something of a shock to those of us, here in the UK, who were yet to see one on sale – let alone get our grubby little tech-hungry mitts on one.

In fact, for most of us limeys, our only exposure to Microsoft’s Zune has been via changes to the dashboard on the XBOX 360 and the way it handles movies and music.

I was therefore surprised when my tech-savvy boss announced that he had bought a Zune HD for his son.

As a fellow iPhobe (in the sense of not being Apple fanboys… not the luddite definition I’ve linked to), the boss was enthusiastic about the lightweight media player and beaming with eagerness to get the device set up for his son to open up on Christmas Day.

We enthused about the clear graphics and clarity of sound that the device produced.

That was yesterday.

Today was a different story altogether.

The boss had started to add a few of his son’s favourite tunes to the device; videos too.

Getting as excited as his son is likely to be, the boss then tried to add some games…

… therein lies the problem with the Zune HD in the UK.

Don’t get me wrong, my boss isn’t a gamer – not in my sense of the term.

Cards, golf and football – in the flesh – that’s my boss’s style; capping fools online in the latest FPS is definitely not his scene.  He does accept that his son enjoys playing electronic games though.

Now my boss is fairly clued up when it comes to technology and the Zune’s rareness in the UK is probably the only reason he gave up trying to solve his problem himself.

The problem, in short, is that the UK Zune marketplace only seems to sell Music, Videos and Windows Phone Apps.

Having asked for my help, we trawled Google like some kind of nouveau detective duo – a cyberspace answer to the Morse and Lewis.

No matter how many times we tried to find out how to add apps or games to the Zune HD we ended up at the same unbelievable dead end.

The world according to Google was telling us that the way to get 3rd party apps onto the Zune HD was to install Visual Studio, Visual C# and a specific games development module and then download the app’s source code and deploy it to your Zune through the development module.

Time and time again we came to one explanation or another as to how this could be achieved.

To give my boss credit, he was more than willing to do this but I was incredulous.  I couldn’t see how a company the likes of Microsoft could release a commercial product that required developer tools to implement software on – especially when they would be losing out on marketplace revenue.

Furthermore, I couldn’t see software houses releasing their source code to allow users to deploy apps to their own devices.

The boss agreed to leave it with me.  I gave up on Google for a solution, investigating the Zune software instead.

At my wits end, I did something I have only ever done once before… I contacted Microsoft.

The Zune website offers a live chat support option.  Once you’ve  entered a description of your problem you are linked to a support operative who then helps you out.

Seriously!

I ended up speaking to a chap called Sergio who very quickly told me the cause of the problem and talked me through the solution.

A simple explanation of the cause of the problem is that the Zune was only ever officially released in the United States.

As such, the app marketplace is only available to people logged in with a U.S. Windows Live account.

My account is a UK account, always has been, always will be.  If it were American, I’d never be able to buy UK Microsoft Points and so forth.

The simple solution, for non-US users, was to create a US Windows Live account, link it to a Zune account and then link that to the Zune HD.

A step-by-step way to do this follows… make sure you’ve downloaded the Zune Software and gone through the basic setup wizard on the Zune HD first.

1. Make sure that the Zune is unplugged and Zune Software is closed.
2. Log out of your normal non-US Windows Live account, if y0u’re logged in.
3. Go to https://signup.live.com and create a new US based account.  Even if you’re forced into selecting a .co.uk email address, if you select a US Zip Code for the address, then the account will believe it is American.  I used 11561 and a New York dialling code.
4. Once you’ve created an account and reached the main Windows Live page (you can view the welcome email to confirm) then go to the Zune site http://www.zune.net/
5. Sign up for a Zune account, choosing United States as your location.
6. Once you have completed registration, you can close your browser – we’re done with the web browsing part of the solution.
7. Now go to your control panel and change your location to United States.  Click here for advice on doing this in Windows 7, in Windows XP you can change this setting in the Regional Settings.
8. Once you have OK’d the change to your location, start up the Zune Software and sign in using your new US Windows Live account.
9. Plug your Zune in and let the software detect it.
10. Click on Settings (at the top) and Linking (down the left) – link your US Windows Live ID to your Zune HD.
11. You can now unplug the device and should be able to see a “Marketplace” option in the main menu.  Your device is now set up as a US user, if you’re connected to a wi-fi connection you should be able to browse for apps and download any that you fancy… you may need to pay for some apps.

I was really impressed with the help and advice I got from Microsoft but disappointed with the availability of that advice to non-US Zune users.

Now that I’ve seen the device configured with apps as well as video and music, I’m actually quite tempted myself.

If you want to see a transcript of the chat conversation I had with Sergio D from the Zune marketplace support team, read on…

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